I have typed, deleted and re-typed this probably 100 times over again!

Not sure of how to start it or how to find the words to describe how you made me feel.
YOU are the one memory and past that I strive to forgive and erase!

I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and come up with all sorts of different profound words of hatred and disgust to describe how you treated me, shaped me, changed my world completely! But when it comes to putting pen and paper, I forget it all. I am speechless.

But here is to trying!

I was a child.

And I suppose God lead me to you!

Lead me to you, to comfort you. To give you the feeling of Motherhood when you couldn't bare your own! God felt you needed me, I suppose.  

We had our good times.

I have fond memories of having fun...escaping the real world with you. You opening me to things that I may have otherwise not seen or done!

I wont forget those good times!

But somehow, unfortunately, the good does NOT outweigh the bad.

 

I still feel inferior to you! like your watching my every move. Like you are hiding behind a door somewhere to quickly tell me how selfish I am or how stupid my choices are.
There are still certain things I can do where I stop and think of how you would criticize me for my pure innocence.

Your words were harsh.
Your lashing words are forever unforgiven!
You changed the way I appreciate friends.
The way I see and view myself.

because of you I am forever hard on myself, on my appearance!
I have a hard time trusting or believing.

You DID give me my hard headedness.
My strong will.
But you also gave me my weakness, my self denial.

I haven't figured out the true reason for our relationship and maybe I'm not suppose to.
Maybe one day when I'm fully over you and my continued growth from your evilness, I will figure it out.

But until then, maybe its this...
Maybe you were suppose to teach me how to NOT be a Mother.
Because of you I learned how I wanted to be to my children. How to love them unconditionally. How to let them spread their wings as far and as wide as they choose. How to be there for them near or far and as much or as little as they decide they need me. Because of you, I will continually tell my girl how beautiful she is whether she be big or little, fearless or shy, just like me or not! I will love her just the way SHE is! I will guide her and trust in the Lord to help me do so!
I will NOT teach her hatred or fear. I will NOT teach her adultery. I will show her the true meaning of love and let her witness the true love between her father and I.
Because of you, I know the kind of person I DO NOT WANT TO BE!!!!!

Maybe our relationship was to teach me to value the love of a man, of ONE MAN! To work hard for my relationship! To fight for what I started, WITH ONE PERSON! I watched as you degraded the one you were with! Betrayed him behind his back. Took advantage of his kindness.
Because of you, I know how I want to work hard for my marriage, in all seasons, good or bad!

or maybe our relationship was meant to show me how to ALWAYS love and respect my OWN parents. Perfect or imperfect, they are and were MINE! They are the true reason for my beauty, inside and out! They are the real reason for my strength and my ability to get over you! They, unlike you, have never veered from my side through thick or thin. They are the ones that I have and will FOREVER look up to! THEY are the ones that I strive to remember and to make proud!

I will pray for you!
I will forever hope that you find the TRUE power and love for the LORD. And the TRUE glory of what it feels like when one lets Him lead them!