From the second my feet hit the ground on February 24, 2007 my day felt off. Something in my heart /head kept telling me something. It kept telling me to call my daddy, but me being the stubborn person I am, I didnt. I was trying to prove a point, that I was a big girl and I didn't need to call him each morning on the way to work. I was trying to gain my independence. Boy was I wrong. On this day my world came crashing down. On this day I would feel and see something that to this day is er erasable.

I went to work with an exciting feeling, knowing I was going to see my daddy the next day. I was going to go have a dinner date with the one person I love most. Near the end of my shift at work I FINALLY got a phone call from my step-mother (see she kept calling my cell KNOWING I was at work). She told me my daddy was in the hospital. I actually took it with a grain of salt at first because dad had gone to the hospital before for a broken collar bone. So I just figured it was something mild. After the call I shared my feelings with a co-worker and she made me feel like I was taking it too lightly, so I called Janet (my step-mom). As soon as she answered the phone my heart sunk. I knew something was wrong. My sweet daddy didnt have a pulse!!! In that very moment I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt lost. I called Greg (my fiance) who came rushing to pick me up. I swear that was the longest drive in history. I bawled, prayed, bawled, called my daddy's sister, bawled, yelled at Greg for not driving fast enough and bawled some more. I remember feeling this hope of some miracle, that God was going to let my daddy make it. I remember feeling that this wasn't the end, IT COULDN'T BE. To me, he wasn't done being a daddy to me. That I was going to walk into the hospital and be able to tell my daddy, "you scared me daddy, don't ever do that again".
When we finally made it to the hospital, which we all know takes forever for someone to even acknowledge your there, the woman behind the desk saw my face and buzzed me through. I didn't even have to tell her who I was. I don't remember if someone directed me to the room or if i just went straight to it, but as soon as I walked in the room I saw Janet. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and just shook her head, saying I'm sorry Rebecca. And it happened, life as I knew it was over, my whole body went numb and I hit the floor and cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. It was too much to process. The pain in my heart was so great that I cant exactly explain it to you. But its a pain that I don't even wish on my worst enemy.
After crying in the room for a while they finally told us we could go see him before they took him away. It was a sight I wasn't prepared for. You know, we have all these reality type shows that give you an insight in the ER world, but even with all that, its nothing like seeing your own loved ones in there. It was a different emotion, seeing him, thinking of the pain he could have been in, hoping he had a peaceful passover and still feeling like it was all a HUGE UGLY dream. Wanting to shake him and tell him "daddy wake up". Hoping that he still had some life in him that when he heard his baby girl cry, he wouldn't let himself slip away. And in that moment holding his limp hand, kissing his sweet forehead and wishing I could take those stupid tubes out of his mouth, I remembered sitting with dad on his porch swing telling him not to leave me because I wouldn't know how to live without him. I was confused. I didn't know who to be mad at. Was I mad at my daddy for giving up, was a mad at God for taking him from me or was I more mad at myself for not seizing every moment I had with my daddy while he was here??

Its a day I will relive forever. Its true what people say, that when you lose someone so very close to you you go through many different stages. You start out so sad, sad beyond belief. You cant make it out in your head how your going to live and proceed on with your life without that one person. You become mad at the entire world and you'll probably try pushing everyone away. As terrible as it sounds you become mad at God because to you, he was the one person who could of saved them. You go through a period of regret and what ifs. You have you mold yourself into a whole new being because you felt you where everything you are because of them.

So after a few years of trying to work through all those different stages, this is what I've learned. That being sad all the time is just making my time here on earth not worth it. I've come to the realization that I'm not living without my daddy but in fact daddy lives on through me and my brother. Ive learned that when I push people away that at the end I'm going to be more alone than I already felt. That without the love and support of the people around me I wouldn't have made it through such a dark time. Ive learned not to be mad at God, but to rejoice in the fact that God is the one who blessed me with such an amazing daddy to begin with. God is the one who changed my mind in some pretty low moments at the beginning. Ive realized that I couldn't have loved my sweet daddy anymore than I did and still do. I cant regret whats in the past, because as everyone knows, you cant change it but you learn from it.

Seize every moment of everyday. We are all here only a very short time! 

                Daddy I will carry you in my heart forever, until we meet again.
                                               I LOVE YOU !!