.: Randomness

I have typed, deleted and re-typed this probably 100 times over again!

Not sure of how to start it or how to find the words to describe how you made me feel.
YOU are the one memory and past that I strive to forgive and erase!

I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and come up with all sorts of different profound words of hatred and disgust to describe how you treated me, shaped me, changed my world completely! But when it comes to putting pen and paper, I forget it all. I am speechless.

But here is to trying!

I was a child.

And I suppose God lead me to you!

Lead me to you, to comfort you. To give you the feeling of Motherhood when you couldn't bare your own! God felt you needed me, I suppose.

We had our good times.

I have fond memories of having fun...escaping the real world with you. You opening me to things that I may have otherwise not seen or done!

I wont forget those good times!

But somehow, unfortunately, the good does NOT outweigh the bad.

I still feel inferior to you! like your watching my every move. Like you are hiding behind a door somewhere to quickly tell me how selfish I am or how stupid my choices are.
There are still certain things I can do where I stop and think of how you would criticize me for my pure innocence.

Your words were harsh.
Your lashing words are forever unforgiven!
You changed the way I appreciate friends.
The way I see and view myself.

because of you I am forever hard on myself, on my appearance!
I have a hard time trusting or believing.

You DID give me my hard headedness.
My strong will.
But you also gave me my weakness, my self denial.

I haven't figured out the true reason for our relationship and maybe I'm not suppose to.
Maybe one day when I'm fully over you and my continued growth from your evilness, I will figure it out.

But until then, maybe its this...
Maybe you were suppose to teach me how to NOT be a Mother.
Because of you I learned how I wanted to be to my children. How to love them unconditionally. How to let them spread their wings as far and as wide as they choose. How to be there for them near or far and as much or as little as they decide they need me. Because of you, I will continually tell my girl how beautiful she is whether she be big or little, fearless or shy, just like me or not! I will love her just the way SHE is! I will guide her and trust in the Lord to help me do so!
I will NOT teach her hatred or fear. I will NOT teach her adultery. I will show her the true meaning of love and let her witness the true love between her father and I.
Because of you, I know the kind of person I DO NOT WANT TO BE!!!!!

Maybe our relationship was to teach me to value the love of a man, of ONE MAN! To work hard for my relationship! To fight for what I started, WITH ONE PERSON! I watched as you degraded the one you were with! Betrayed him behind his back. Took advantage of his kindness.
Because of you, I know how I want to work hard for my marriage, in all seasons, good or bad!

or maybe our relationship was meant to show me how to ALWAYS love and respect my OWN parents. Perfect or imperfect, they are and were MINE! They are the true reason for my beauty, inside and out! They are the real reason for my strength and my ability to get over you! They, unlike you, have never veered from my side through thick or thin. They are the ones that I have and will FOREVER look up to! THEY are the ones that I strive to remember and to make proud!

I will pray for you!
I will forever hope that you find the TRUE power and love for the LORD. And the TRUE glory of what it feels like when one lets Him lead them!

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, by Rebecca

In Randomness,

Random Thoughts :(

6Comments

, by Rebecca

In Beliefs, Randomness

LET'S VENT, SHALL WE!

TODAY FEELS LIKE A MONDAY!

NOT SO MUCH IN THE FACT OF BEING BUSY, OR THINGS AREN'T GOING SMOOTHLY...

BUT IN THE FORM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS!

LIKE THE FACT THAT EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND I HEAR OF ANOTHER COUPLE SPLITTING(DIVORCING)...TAKING THE LOW ROAD..GIVING UP WITHOUT REALLY GIVING THINGS A CHANCE!

WHILE THIS DOESN'T DIRECTLY EFFECT ME, IT DOES HOWEVER DISAPPOINT ME!

WHY ARE WE GIVING UP SO QUICKLY???

WHAT ABOUT THE FAMILIES AND PERHAPS CHILDREN THAT ARE INVOLVED?!?!

WHEN DID THIS WORLD STOP RELYING ON THE LORD INSTEAD OF THEIR OUR UNDERSTANDING?!!!

LIKE HOW IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, A FRIEND THAT YOU HAVE CONSIDERED YOUR BEST FOR YEARS CAN SIMPLY TURN THEIR BACK ON YOU AT A MOMENTS NOTICE??

WHEN DID FRIENDSHIP BECOME SO DISPOSABLE??

WHEN DID WE START MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT THINKING AHEAD AS TO HOW THAT WILL EFFECT OUR FUTURE??

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GREAT MOMENTS SHARED???

ALL THE TEARS THAT PERSON HAS WIPED...ALL THE AFTERNOON COFFEES, PARTIES, LIFE CHANGES AND MEMORIES MADE?!

DO ALL THESE THINGS NOT MATTER ANYMORE???

TRUTH IS...WHEN THAT ONE MOMENT COMES WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THAT DISPOSABLE BFF...THEY'LL LOOK BACK AND COMPLETELY REGRET THAT SPLIT SECOND DECISION!

BUT IT WILL BE TOO LATE...OR MAYBE THE FRIEND THAT WAS EASILY DISPOSED WITH BE A TRUE FRIEND AND FORGIVE HER MOMENT OF STUPIDITY. (MAYBE)

LIKE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DEPEND ON SOMEONE...FAMILY...AND THEY NEVER SEEM TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU!

HOW YOU KNOW THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP OR BRIGHTEN THE DAYS OF LOVED ONES BUT YOU NEVER GET THE SAME IN RETURN!

DOES THIS MAKE ONE NOT WANT TO TRY ANYMORE...YES!

DOES ONE STOP TRYING...NO!

WHY, YOU ASK.....BECAUSE THAT ISN'T HOW ONE WAS RAISED OR HOW ONE WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED.

TREAT SOMEONE WITH THE SAME RESPECT AND LOVE THAT YOU WANT TO BE TREATED?!?!?!

RIGHT?!?!?!

HAS THIS RULE OF HUMANITY CHANGED??

IF SO...SOMEONE PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF MY SANITY, FILL ME IN!!!

OK...THAT IS ALL.

I'M OFFICIALLY OFF OF MY SOAP BOX!

THANK YOU BLOGGING LAND FOR LISTENING TO ME VENT :)

MUCH APPRECIATED!

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, by Rebecca

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, by Rebecca

In ME, Memories

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!!

One afternoon while visiting my brother and his wife, we decided to grab a bite to eat. It happened to be one of my ALL TIME favorite fast food joints so at the time I was one HAPPY girl. I ordered my -add THREE pounds to my hips- fried chicken finger basket, seasoned fries and side of toast -lunch of champs, right?!?- then grabbed my drink and stood to the side while the rest of the gang decided what they wanted. So while waiting patiently and looking at all the memorabilia scattered along the walls, I heard this faint voice ask "What number do you use?" At first I ignored it because, I thought, surely she wasn't talking to me. A few seconds passed and I turned and made eye contact with our cashier and while looking straight at me she asked again "What number do you use?"

She IS talking to ME and I know in that very moment I looked at her as if she had four heads, because quite frankly I was SO confused.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

"What number do you use?" she repeated.

"What do you mean, what number do I use?"

At this point I was very confused!!! Was she talking about my ticket number?? Or did she have me confused with someone else?

"I have been trying to get your color for months and I can't seem to find the right number. I was wondering what number you used." she answered.

Now by this time I was slightly cranky because I was STARVING - if you know me at all, you know don't mess with me when I haven't eaten- and now I have this girl asking about my "NUMBER"?!?!?

I quickly wanted to swirl my head while snapping my fingers and shouting OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!

But I hid my inner Queen Latifah and calmly answered...."Oh sweet girl, this color doesn't come from a bottle. The good Lord himself blessed me with this."

She then laughed and we chatted a little about how she loved it and wished she could find the perfect blend of these "numbers." -question: are hair dyes numbered?? Am I really that dumb or have I been hiding under a rock??? The fam and I sat down, enjoyed our lunch and that was that.

I am flattered that people notice my hair and try to find the same color -probably isn't possible- and if I am well nourished before being approach and asked if this is my NATURAL color, I usually blush a little and politely answer "Why yes it is" but this sweet girl just caught me in a bad moment. Plus this just happened to be the MOST unique way of asking if its real or not, so I reckin' it just caught me off guard.

Note to self .....eat ALL the time!!!!

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, by Rebecca

In Randomness,

Just one more.....

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, by Rebecca

In Family, Friends

friendship, FRIENDSHIP.....

let's talk about FRIENDSHIP!!!!

(currently singing the song out loud in my office...my co-workers probably think im CRAAZZYY!)

I remember in Junior High and High School having to be best friends with everyone! I had to be invited to all the get togethers/parties or my feeling would be hurt and I would instantly ask myself "why don't they like me" or " why wasn't I included?." But I have found in getting older and MATURING that its not about being the most popular or having TONS and TONS of friends. In fact, it isn't the quantity of friends at all but the QUALITY of the friendship.

True friends are there to pick you up when you have fallen. To give you their HONEST opinion, even if it hurts or you would rather not hear it. True friends are the ones who make you laugh when you feel like crying and the one who lends an hear when all you need is to talk. True friendship passes NO judgement!

True friendship is the kind of bond that no matter where life takes you as we get older you can always pick up where you left off. The kind of friendship that even if you haven't talked in weeks/months, when you do it feels like you haven't missed a beat!

I value the friendships that you can be yourself, you can be silly or down right outrageous and still know they love you! You can have your falling outs and somehow you find a way to work it out and in the end you still love each other just as much!!!

I have also learned that friendship doesn't always have to come in a form of a stranger at school or work but in fact it sometimes comes in the form of a husband, mother, sister, brother, in-laws or cousins!

Since mine and Greg's ~~BIG~~ little disappointment I have found a new appreciation for my friendships. Before this, I knew that I had a hand full of very dear friends BUT after all of this I have found a new love and appreciation for those wonderful women/men! They have truly gone above and beyond to make me feel loved and have absolutely made this time in our lives a little easier!

To these friends of mine, I couldn't have made it through this without you! I love you all so dearly and I want to thank you for helping the Marsh family stay so strong!