Random Thoughts :(
12:09 PM
You know how sometimes something hits you and you're not sure where it came from?!
Like an emotional hit that you fear so greatly?!
I've lost.
I've once lost someone so dear to me.
Someone that can and will never possibly be replaced
He is mostly missed when I see my daughter dancing.
Or trying to climb my tallest stool
When I have the privilege of cuddling her limp little body to sleep as I rock.
I miss him because I know for certain, these are the moments he would love most about her.
These are the moments that would most remind him of me as a little tike.
when I peak into my guest bedroom and see our old wooden rocking chair.
or when its raining outside
I miss him because..in that chair we rocked a very many!
To sleep I went in that chair snuggled tightly in his arms.
I can hear his voice over the phone telling me to drive safe in the rain
or often exclaiming how much he hated when it rained.
He was never a calm, cool or collected soul.
But oh such a good one
When G scratches his face in a certain way.
Or tucks his t-shirt into in sleep shorts.
I miss him because in that very second I see his face.
the way his hand curved around his chin.
the way he looked after showering from working in the yard.
those polyester pants
the way I could see his tummy curve from his freshly clean tucked in shirt.
I think of him.
I think of my Daddy!!
I love these thoughts.
I am sadden by these thoughts.
I miss him!
And I fear for the future!
When I will inevitably lose again.
I have a Mother.
A beautiful Mother
she's perfectly imperfect
artsy to the fullest extent
loving to a fault
and the best friend a girl could have dreamt of!
Sometimes when that certain something hits....
it hurts!
It makes my heart race in fear!
Fear of facing another loss one of the days
But this time it would and will be without her loving embrace
Her weirdly awkward and sometimes annoying humor trying to cheer me up
I try to keep myself from going to this place of sadness.
But its life.
the horrid cycle of life
a scary occurrence that I have NO control over!
To love so greatly and fear of losing, hurts!
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6 comments
Wow becca very touching!!!! Loved it!!!
ReplyDeletethank you sister!
DeleteI can't even imagine that pain and sadness of having lost my dad, I do often experience the same anxiety of having to face that in that future. I truly can not imagine not having mom or dad around. Great entry Becka! Love ya sister.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bob! Love you too! Sometimes it helps my cluttered mind to write out what is/was on my mind :)
DeleteThis was very touching Sister!! I can't even imagine of having the lost of my daddy or my momma. I pray to God that, that day will not come anytime soon. I'm not ready and I never will be! But one things for sure..... You're a very strong woman and that I admire you for. I love you sister!!!
ReplyDeletelove you too sister!!!! and thank you :)
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